When you get a chance, please read our brand new guide to tango etiquette. It includes exciting topics like emotions and how to ask someone to dance…

We started with Tina Herreman’s excellent guide to tango manners, then we added to it and queerified it.

On the last day of the beginner’s series, we’ll practice using the queerified codigos.

Social dances are called “milongas”. It’s like a party or dance night. Usually it is at the same place every week (some are once a month). Every city has a website announcing the milongas. Usually there is a fee at the door (around $10) for 4 or 5 hours of dancing.

Some people dress up, others dress very casually. The milonga is a space in which you are welcome to express yourself flamboyantly with your clothing and be sexy.

We recommend that beginners attend a milonga along with a group of friends to make sure that you have people to dance with. at milongas, there is a code unique to tango which governs how people ask others to dance (these are discussed here)

Note that “milonga” has a second meaning, which is a type of music, a very fast and bouncy type of tango music.

Practicas are an informal milonga. There is a DJ to play music and people show up to practice with whoever is there.

Some people come with a partner and do not change partners.

Many people come alone, in order to practice with various people.

Some people change partners after the tanda, others may dance together for a long time. It is more flexible than a milonga.

Unlike at a milonga, it’s ok to stop during the song and ask questions, practice a move over and over, or give feedback.

People dress up less for a practica, the lights are usually on, and it is cheaper $0-$5.

How to ask someone to dance/the cabaceo

• The Argentine style of asking for a dance is that the leaders ask. They ask in a particular way, often from across the room, by seeking eye contact with followers. If eye contact is held, the leader nods toward the dance floor (or raises one or both eyebrows). If the follower wishes to accept the dance, they smile and return the nod slightly, maintaining eye contact. They can then meet, or the leader will come to get the follower. Having accepted a dance, the follower owes the next tanda to that leader.
• If the follower does not want to accept the dance, they look away. If a follower does not want to dance with a certain person, the follower is careful not to make eye contact with them. If a follower does not feel like dancing at all, they communicate unavailability by not making eyes available. They can watch the dancers or have a conversation.
• This method of asking and answering protects the leaders from public rejection.
• In the US, many dancers do not know or do not use the cabaceo. As a result, leaders walk up to followers and ask them verbally. Because we want to avoid making a public rejection, followers should and usually do accept a dance. To reject is to humiliate the leader. However, we encourage use of the cabaceo. So if someone asks you without using it, please make sure they know what it is and how to use it. You should expect them to use it with in the future, and don’t feel bad turning them down if they don’t.
• In some cities, followers ask leaders to dance. But this is not always accepted. There are reasonable reasons to allow the leaders to initiate dances. Since they have to structure the dance, they need to like the music, they need to feel comfortable with the crowdedness of the dance floor, and they need to be rested and feeling creative after their previous dance. It’s best to let them decide when they are ready. The dancing is better and it’s worth the wait!
• Of course this all gets a bit more complicated for people who both lead and follow. In mixed settings, men may assume all women are followers. In a gay setting, if followers ask for dances, the person they are asking may not be clear what they are asking for. For this reason, it may be best in queer settings to maintain the tradition of leaders asking for dances. If the askee does not wish to follow, they should not accept the dance. If two people who both lead and follow lock eyes, presumably the first to issue a cabaceo (nod), will be the leader for that tanda. If two followers lock eyes, there will be no cabaceo. If two leaders lock and one gives the cabaceo, the other may avert their eyes. Remember, if you accept another’s nod, you have agreed to follow.
• Once a cabaceo has been accepted you have a contract to dance the next song with each other. No matter what happens, you cannot change direction and dance with another partner. Even if someone stops to talk with you, you need to hustle to your partner. (Everyone understands this, so it’s not considered rude.)
• People who both lead and follow may swap the lead during a dance or tanda. However, in order to avoid an embarrassing and/or dangerous situation on the dance floor, they must negotiate a consensual change in leading before doing it.

At milongas and practicas we dance three or four songs with one person – this is called a “tanda”, sometimes separated with 15-30 seconds of contrasting music, called a cortina (curtain). If there is no cortina, you can just count four songs.

Tandas are usually songs of the same type. There are three types of tango music: tango, vals (waltz), and milonga. Milonga is the fast one. The tanda may also be a group of music by the same composer or in the same style or era. So you get a whole tanda of milonga music, or vals, or tango music with a certain feeling.

Leaders often wait to hear the type and style of music before deciding to dance and selecting a partner.

• Generally, once we have agreed to dance, we complete the tanda of four dances with that person. It is considered rude not to complete the tanda. We do not break the tanda because of the person’s dancing skill. There are, however, times when we do break the tanda despite the fact it is rude. That would be: if the person is running into people (or furniture) a lot and you feel unsafe or unprotected dancing with them; if they are groping you or making you very uncomfortable in a way that is not part of the common tango embrace; if they are drunk, which is considered unacceptable in tango. Generally, sweatiness and other discomforts that are simply a result of being close to another person is accepted in tango, and we do not break a tanda for these kinds of discomforts.

Close embrace tango involves touching another person with half or more of your body. This is very intimate. The codigos of tango are a set of “codes” that make some structure around this intimacy. The codes vary a little bit from milonga to milonga, city to city. We have not found a comprehensive list of the codigos in English. Although the codes are highly gendered, much of their intent is also relevant to queer people. Eventually a new set of codes will develop that incorporate the complexities and ambiguities that queer tango introduces.

We’ve written about the codigos that we encourage you to follow.

How do we deal with the intimacy of tango? The traditional codes help make a structure to handle these feelings:

• Maintain the tango embrace. Any feelings you have during the dance are expressed outwardly only through the quality of your dance. You do not express your enjoyment of the dance by sliding your hand to your partner’s ass, neck, breast, etc. This is a violation of the trust they gave you when they dance with you. It also could make a problem for them with their partner if they have one, and that is very disrespectful. It is common in tango to make contact with your head or cheek, but make sure if you do this that it is consensual. If you feel the other person pull away, respect their wishes not to connect in this way. It is not necessary for the dance. Also understand that many dancers are very accustomed to this contact. If you dance with someone who persists in doing it, do not be offended. It is not an inappropriate gesture.
• Whatever you feel during a dance, know that when the cortina (curtain) falls on the tanda, the curtain falls on whatever is going on with you and your partner. Say thank you, and walk away. As you walk away, the feelings end. You are not welcome to “hang out” with the person just because you had a good dance.
• We do not give last names and we do not ask personal questions in tango. It is a space of anonymity. This also means that tango is an escape from class status issues. Everyone interacts as equals.
• In order to feel safe with the intimacy of tango, it needs to be a social space in which people feel protected from being “hit on”. For this reason, it is not appropriate to ask someone for their phone number, or ask them on a date. Of course this does occur, but it needs to be very discreet. Perhaps get to know them for a while first, before asking. (At the same time we need to build community, so we can go out dancing together as a queer group. Make it clear what you are up to!)
• If you are asking someone to dance who has a partner, introduce yourself to the partner first and ask, either verbally or with a gesture, for their permission to ask their partner to dance. This does not mean you are treating someone as if they are the property of another person. It means that you are making a contract with the partner that you will respect their relationship during the dance.